Thursday, June 25, 2009

To: Chipotle's Online Ordering System

My Dearest,

I long for you. I long for your cracked pepper seasoned carnita pork, the way your sour cream feels against my nubile arms. These aged cheeks have been aged by experience, 15 hard years of experience, but feel that the youthful vigor inspired by your corn salsa rejuvinates (sic) my body. This must be love.

Please, if you could prepare yourself and sear yourself in my mind with chicken and sensual black beans, along with some hot (never mild, you are too hot) salsa, a touch of sour cream, like the sour taste I feel when you are not near, and smothered in cheese, more cheese than your heart can hold for me. A touch of guacamole to top off my endearing young spicy lover, and please wear that tortilla that you wore when we first met. Seeing you wrapped up in that sleek tortilla reminds me once again what sexual pleasure can be, and when I touch you to my lips it reminds me of those teasing advances you made when i first purchased one of you.

Do not despair. I will have you soon, and we will combine to be one. One burrito and man incarnate(ita, I'm sorry, I could not resist).

My mind says no... but I will be flying down to pick you up in nigh 10 minutes. Don't tease me, and don't make me wait.

Also, I'd like a small coke.

Yours forever,


To: Prime Account Cancellation

My Dearest Prime Account,

I worry that our sultry affair might have to stop. As much as I would like to continue seeing you, purchasing from you and receiving all the benefits (!) a man could desire from you I must put my foot down and say that you are too expensive.

But please, I want my account to remain in your inner data framework, just in case I decide as a crime of the heart to return, and continue to purchase my items for the discounted amount with sensually reduced shipping costs.

Please know how upset and tormented my mind is in this decision. I know that my soul is forever innertwined (sic) with you, my Prime Account, but I fear our torrid love affair will have to only live on in our memories and when we close our eyes... visualizing your sweet sweet virtual shopping cart. It was you who lured me, you who made me believe in the love that can only exist between a man in power and his online vendor. It was you, my dearest Prime Account.

Know that you will always be in my heart... and rest assured that in my dreams I will awake arroused (sic) with the thought of your sweet sweet postage discounts against my skin.

Yours forever,


To: Sen. John McCain

Dearest McCain,

I've been feeling guilty sexually, and really wish you had Veeped me. The rumors surrounding it made me long for you more and more, and when I look back at that tumultuous time period my heart reaches out for a reality that could never be: you as President and I as your doting V.P., always wanting you to continue veeping me for as long as you want.

I wanted to write you and let you know how beautiful your recent critiques of Obama were. I could not imagine a more loving, more caring and more incredibly sexual rebuke of his stance on Iran. And I can't help but continue to think about the way you hold yourself, the extremely sensual way your arms are unable to go above your shoulders, the curves of your jowels...

I reconcile my respect for you by reading the bible. I Corinthians 13. Love endures all things much like you've endured. I miss your touch... my friend... I love you.

Yours forever,


To: Verizon Wireless Service Provider

Dearest Verizon,

You are glorious and I hope that you can truly know that. My heart reaches out wondering when you will contact me, when you will let me know if I can switch to your glorious services from my current AT&T contract.

I know that what I am writing is wrong... I know that I have a contract currently with AT&T, and that my head keeps telling me no. No. You have to stick with your contract. But when I think of your mobile to mobile offering, your friends and family plan and your sweet night and weekend minutes (not to mention your roaming charges!), I know that my heart wants you. My heart sitting in my chest screams Verizon. Verizon.

When I think of your sleek exterior, your luscious ring tones, I can't help but think of you. Please contact me, I wish to switch... I wish to switch providers.

I will now go to sleep. But you can rest assured that in my heart you are the wireless provider I will dream about.

Please contact me so we can discuss a new deal.